Words

2010: A Lyrical Review

Those of you who have read my blog for some time know I have one main passion.
Music.
So since everyone has started doing their yearly review posts, and since I'm not sure how many more chances I'm going to have to write before 2011 is here (I'll try but it's hectic around here!), I thought I'd put my own spin on it.

2010 was a big year for me. Big is an understatement.
I'm fairly sure when I look back on my life, this will be one of the years that defines me.
I learned more about myself this year than I had in the 25.5 preceeding it.
But there was always a song or a lyric that I could take solace in or relate to, through everything.
I know it's cliche'd but that's why Penny Lane says "And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends" in Almost Famous.
Music reminds you that there is always someone who gets you.
Really gets you.
Always.

Every year I set myself a song.
My theme for the year.
It's a song that I go back to through the year. And you can always tell where I was at emotionally and mentally when January rolled around by the song that I choose.
For 2010, it wasn't an extremely genius or epic song by any means, but it was the right fit:
"Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead of running around
And pulling all your threads and breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine."
Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric.

It turned out to probably be far more apt that I had anticipated.

In 2010, I fought my body. And I won.
"Though I may be relatively young,
I hope in the final moments I hear every song I've ever sung. At once."
Washington - Underground.

You have all read about my kidneys, you have all read about my treatment.
I found this song after I already knew I was healthy and going to be OK.
But when I heard it - niagara falls frankie angel.
(If you get that reference, please comment and tell me! I often fear that my brother and I are the only people in the world who know what we're on about.)
I listened to it probably 40-50 times over the course of three days and it helped to heal me.
Not in the way that all of my treatment healed me, but it helped me deal with what I had just been through.
I hadn't really thought about mortality through everything, it's strange that way.
All I thought about was that I had to get better.
This song made me realise the enormity of it all and made me so grateful for being back on track.

In 2010, I broke up with my best friend.
"After all that we've been through, I know we're cool."
Gwen Stefani - Cool.

I tried to find a lyric for this that wouldnt hurt my cred so much
(do I have cred? I dont know. It just sounded cool in my head.)
Fact is, I could give you 101 other lyrics, but none of them sum it up like this little one does.
Jesper and I were talking on the phone last night - we were discussing a random handful of topics, as we usually do, Wikileaks, Gene Simmons vs Whitlams, mixed game show phrases, catching up for dinner this week, and I realised we still fit. We are still best friends.
Sure, he still frustrates the hell out of me at times, and I know it's vice versa, but I'm not sure we will ever not be part of each others lives.
We probably could have parted ways a couple of years ago, as a few of you know, but we wouldn't have had what we have now, we would have properly parted ways completely and not stayed friends.
I'm proud of what Jesper and I acheived this year. 
And I'm proud of reaching 'grown up' status through that.

In 2010, I went through a very low, depressed stage.
"You said I am as constant as a northern star.
And I said, "Constantly in the darkness, where's that at? If you want me I'll be in the bar."
Joni Mitchell - A Case of You.

Most people don't know it, but I guess when you're depressed you become a great actress.
From April until about July, whenever I was alone, I was crying.
Sometimes when I wasn't alone, I was crying.
I was crying in the shower, on the couch, in bed, in the bathroom at work, even once on the train.
I didn't want to be around people, but I didn't want to be alone, and it was only when I got sick that I snapped out of it. 
It forced me to prioritise and find perspective, and cope.
This might sound ridiculous to mostly everyone who reads this, but being as sick as I was probably saved me.
I don't want to go into it in too much detail, but that lyric pretty much says it all.

In 2010, I realised my blessings.
"I may not always love you, but as long as there are stars above you...
God only knows what I'd be without you"
Beach Boys - God Only Knows.

You know how people always say that when you are going through the hardest times, it separates your real friends from the rest?
Well this year my friends were separated from no-one.
I had, and continue to have, the most amazing support from everyone around me.
Family, friends, aquanitances, everyone. 
I had the right people around at the right time and everyone helped me to make sense of what was going on.
They helped me to get out of bed in the morning, helped me to get rid of the tears, helped me to deal with life and helped me to move the fuck on, which was exactly what I needed sometimes.
Some of you reading this were among that group.
You may know who you are, but you probably don't know how much I appreciate it.
Hell, you might not even know you did anything at all.
But thank you.

In 2010, I did a LOT of soul searching.
"I have to strengthen up my little heart, find my own way, light my torch and sparkle my own spark."
Sally Seltmann - On The Borderline.

I realised I'm not so bad. I'd be friends with me.
I can't even stress how long it's taken to reach that point, somewhere in the vicinity of 26 years, and I can't say I've completely figured it out.
There are still days I avoid looking in the mirror in case I see something I don't like, days I avoid talking to anyone if I can help it in case I say something I'm going to over analyse later on, days when I just decided I'm not cool/pretty/funny/talented/'insert nice adjective here' enough.
But the bulk of them I'm ok with me. I'm a good person and a loving person, and all of the other loving and caring people in my life are testament to that.
That's enough for me right now.

In 2010, I met some sweet people.
""I know what's on your mind, there will be time for that too, if you hang with me."
Robyn - Hang with Me.

I started dating again, and that was a BIG step.
I met Jesper when I was 20, so I've never really been a single adult.
I've been seeing one guy for a little over a month now.
We've still got our training wheels on and I don't know if it will be anything, but he is sweet and even if it's nothing, it has been good for me to step outside of my comfort zone, with my heart planted firmly in my throat, and discover myself in a completely different light.

As for 2011, my song isn't quite locked in yet.
I've got a few in mind, but there are still a few weeks to think about that. 
I do feel, however, like it's going to be a happy one, and I've got 2010 to thank for that.

xxoo
Skye

Just a Human, Being.

I was walking home one Friday night recently.
It was about 9:30 at night, and it was cold and dark.
I got to the apartment building just before mine and a gentleman jumped out from behind a tree eating a bread roll.
(I use 'jumped' probably as an exaggeration. In reality, he just sort of appeared.)
"Do you want some bread?" he asked.
I smiled politely, said "No, thank you" and kept walking.
"Are you sure?" he persisted.
I looked back.
He was wearing an old hooded jumper, with the hood over his head and ripped jeans.
I judged him and walked a little faster.
"Really, we have plenty to share" I suddenly heard a female voice call out.

It turned out that this couple are given crates full of bread from the local Bakers Delight when they close on a Friday night and distribute it they around the community; to churches, to the hungry and homeless and if they have some left, to a few of their friends who happen to be my neighbours.
They gave me a plastic bag full of fresh bread and french sticks and sweet buns, along with their mobile phone number and told me to call them if I ever wanted more.
They didn't ask for anything in return, not even my apartment number to make a delivery.
As I was walking away, the man said to me "There are still good people in the world you know, everyone is just putting up higher walls."

That comment messed with my head.

As a country girl I grew up trusting everyone.
Possibly a little bit too much.
Eveyone just knew everyone in my small town.
Mum often says that when I was a kid, she'd turn around to find me gone in the supermarket, and find me sitting on a bench talking to some old man I had never met, as though we were old friends.
That's how far my trust in other people extended.
But the bread man's comment made me realise that at some point that had changed.
When did I stop having faith in others?
And when did I stop just being and doing for the joy of being and doing.

After a bit of soul searching, I realised that it wasnt when my heart got broken for the first time, it wasn't because of any particular news story I head read, drug addict or homeless person I had witnessed, nor any job I had hated.
It was just because I had gotten older, lived, seen and known things that I didn't know then.
As a grown up, you have deadlines to meet, you feel like you have people to impress, you hear too many things about the unfavourable people in the world and you begin to become untrusting and you just kind of stop being that open hearted kid.

It's my personal mission right now to try and rediscoverthat side of myself.
I'm going to reopen my heart.
There is that lame old addage to love like you've never been hurt and dance like nobody is watching. I think people lost the meaning of that after seeing it printed on too many inspirational calendars and their mothers' facebook pages, but it makes complete sense.

The way I see it is, if we open our hearts and people reject it, that's their karma.
If we never open our hearts in the first place, that's ours.
Some of the most joyful and memorable moments in my life to date have been hen I just let go and let myself be myself.

I was having a conversation with a scrapbooking friend over the weekend also, and I said to her that I most like my work when I am just being creative and trying new things and playing.
No deadlines, no stress, no trying to impress anybody, no commissions - just creating.
It's a similar thing.
I sat down to create a page last night with that in mind and absolutely loved the outcome:


  
 
    For the first time in months, I am once more loving the thing that used to make me so happy.

If opening my heart and being and doing and smiling extends to my creativity, it is entirely likely it will extend to every other part of my life and I cannot wait to see where that will lead!

xxxx
Skye

Hey You!

Yes you, the poser!


There are some things that you should know...

That degree you're in the middle of, the one you're tiring of - you'll finish it.
It won't amount to a journalism career but you will apply the skills in other areas, and you will make yourself proud.

You know that boy you're holidaying with, the one you've been seeing for the past few months?
You'll fall deeply in love with him and you'll be together for years to come.
You wont marry him and have his babies like you'll hope.
You'll grow together, just not old.

You wont make it to Bible College and you wont become a youth Pastor.
In fact, give it 3 months and you won't be with the church anymore.

This time a year from now you'll have moved into an apartment in South Yarra.
You'll own a couch and a fridge and a bed and you'll have bills, like a grown up.
It will both excite you and scare you witless.

Don't get that credit card you've been thinking about.
No good can come of it.

Stop messing with your hair or you wont have any by the time you're 40.
Most people in your life love you whether it's long, short, blonde, brunette, straight, curly - whatever!
You need to learn that as well!

You are going to make some strange, and ultimately hilarious fashion choices in the next few years.
But don't worry, you'll figure it out soon enough.

Probably best to stay away from tequila.

Your health will fail you at times.
You will have to have cancer removed from your body and you will have to endure treatment to get back on track.
I wont bother trying to tell you how much it will scare you.
You can't understand it yet anyway.

There are going to be days when everything overwhelms you and it all feels too much.
But you won't give up and you'll surprise yourself with your own strength.

You'll get fined for indecent exposure.
I know you don't believe me now, but you will.
Your charm and wit and 'exquisite'-ness will save you.

Don't ever forget to use your charm and wit and exquisiteness.

You'll learn to appreciate your family even more.
You and Kane will grow to be extremely close and your relationship with your mother will be strong.

You'll have a step family soon.
Try to be nice to them.

You will continue to cry at even the slightest hint of heartbreak in movies.
That will extend to advertisements at some stage too.

One day you'll live alone.
You wont entirely enjoy it, but the first time you kill a spider for yourself will be one of the proudest.
Even if you do have to do it with hairspray.

You will travel and fall in love with people, cultures, food, life.
You'll drink beer in Laos with friends from every continent on the earth (besides Antarctica).
And you will be a better person for it.

One day, a rich man will buy you Tiffany jewelery, just like you've always dreamed.
And you won't have a clue what to do when he does.

You know how you're adamant you'll never try drugs?
You'll smoke pot a few times at parties.

You will realise that you have some of the greatest and most supportive friends in the world.
And the best part? You'll keep finding more.

You'll know joy and you'll know hurt and you'll know love and you'll know loss.
There will be days when you don't want to get out of bed and days you wish would never end.

You'll be alright.
You won't remember it each time, but I promise you, you will be.

You'll live Johnson, and you'll live well.
Enjoy it.

(Thanks to everyone who is doing these at the moment and inspired mine! Ali & Katie & Elise Blaha!)

Singularity.

I'm not sure who actually reads my blog.
Like, really reads it, not just looks at the pretty pictures.
But this post isnt going to have any pictures.

I've been thinking a lot lately about love and relationships.
Actually it's something that I always think a lot about, but even more just recently.

Most of you know that I am recently single.
After 5 and a half years in a (mostly) extremely happy relationship, Jesper and I decided to break up.
That was in April and since I haven't really stopped & thought too much about it.
From the minute it was over I've had weekends away and birthday partied and people around and places to go and generally enough things to do to keep myself busy and not let myself think about it.
And even now, I probably still do.
I dont know if it's all the time I've been spending sitting, thinking in hospital waiting rooms, or the intense relationship talk with the girls over the weekend, or just a case of me being a little bit sooky at the moment, but over the last couple of weeks I've had time to think about it, and I've decided that it sucks.

I'm not good at being single, and that bothers me.
It partially bothers me because I didn't expect that to be the case.
I've worked really hard to become what I deem to be a strong and independent woman, so the fact that I feel like something is missing just because I'm single feels a little bit like a slap in the face from a different, weaker, version of myself.

But it mostly bothers me just because I simply don't like the way it feels.
I don't like waking up in a big empty bed in the morning, I don't like cooking for one and I don't like feeling like I have to be go go go all the time just to fill in time so I don't stop & think too much about it.

A few months ago, I got an email from a friend, discussing his own situation that said the following:
"I'm of the opinion that some people are happy being single, some aren't. I don't think there's a rule that says I have to like being single, that I have to be happy about it".
At the time I was still in a relationship, but it still struck a chord with me.
 I agree with it wholeheartedly.

I'm better at being in a relationship than I am at being single.
I know that if there is one thing I am good at, it's being a girlfriend.
Actually I'm good at loving, as a general rule.
I don't take to people very quickly or easily or often, but when you do fall under my radar as being someone worthy of my love, then you're going to be loved fully and you're going to be loved well.
And that goes for family and friends just as much as it does for romance.
I love attentively and wholeheartedly and passionately and strongly.

I'm worse that a hopeless romantic.
I'm a hopeful one.
I'm one of those people that still beleives in the bohemian ideal of love; in that all consuming feeling, in the magic and the fairy tales and the type of love that exists in movies that have John Cusack in  lead (he's much more real and loveable that Hugh Grant, dont you think?).
I beleive in all of these things even with the knowledge that they are, on a whole, unrealistic.
I still hold out hope that if you love someone or want something enough, the universe has a way of giving it to you.
But in the same respect, I do realise that you can want someone or something to happen so much that you feel like your heart is going to leap out of your chest and you have to remind yourself to breathe, but it still won't necessarily be so.
That you can't make things happen just by wanting them to.

Maybe being single just takes practice?
I dont know.
I've tried being jaded about it, and it just didn't work for me.
I like my childlike optimism and I like being hopeful, even if it does get hard to keep it up sometimes.
Maybe this is part of that path to being strong and independent that I continually try to push myself down.
Maybe it's just a lesson that I need to learn.
But for just now, I still think that, maybe just a little bit, it sucks.

(Sorry to bombard you with my rambling!)
xxoo