Singularity.

I'm not sure who actually reads my blog.
Like, really reads it, not just looks at the pretty pictures.
But this post isnt going to have any pictures.

I've been thinking a lot lately about love and relationships.
Actually it's something that I always think a lot about, but even more just recently.

Most of you know that I am recently single.
After 5 and a half years in a (mostly) extremely happy relationship, Jesper and I decided to break up.
That was in April and since I haven't really stopped & thought too much about it.
From the minute it was over I've had weekends away and birthday partied and people around and places to go and generally enough things to do to keep myself busy and not let myself think about it.
And even now, I probably still do.
I dont know if it's all the time I've been spending sitting, thinking in hospital waiting rooms, or the intense relationship talk with the girls over the weekend, or just a case of me being a little bit sooky at the moment, but over the last couple of weeks I've had time to think about it, and I've decided that it sucks.

I'm not good at being single, and that bothers me.
It partially bothers me because I didn't expect that to be the case.
I've worked really hard to become what I deem to be a strong and independent woman, so the fact that I feel like something is missing just because I'm single feels a little bit like a slap in the face from a different, weaker, version of myself.

But it mostly bothers me just because I simply don't like the way it feels.
I don't like waking up in a big empty bed in the morning, I don't like cooking for one and I don't like feeling like I have to be go go go all the time just to fill in time so I don't stop & think too much about it.

A few months ago, I got an email from a friend, discussing his own situation that said the following:
"I'm of the opinion that some people are happy being single, some aren't. I don't think there's a rule that says I have to like being single, that I have to be happy about it".
At the time I was still in a relationship, but it still struck a chord with me.
 I agree with it wholeheartedly.

I'm better at being in a relationship than I am at being single.
I know that if there is one thing I am good at, it's being a girlfriend.
Actually I'm good at loving, as a general rule.
I don't take to people very quickly or easily or often, but when you do fall under my radar as being someone worthy of my love, then you're going to be loved fully and you're going to be loved well.
And that goes for family and friends just as much as it does for romance.
I love attentively and wholeheartedly and passionately and strongly.

I'm worse that a hopeless romantic.
I'm a hopeful one.
I'm one of those people that still beleives in the bohemian ideal of love; in that all consuming feeling, in the magic and the fairy tales and the type of love that exists in movies that have John Cusack in  lead (he's much more real and loveable that Hugh Grant, dont you think?).
I beleive in all of these things even with the knowledge that they are, on a whole, unrealistic.
I still hold out hope that if you love someone or want something enough, the universe has a way of giving it to you.
But in the same respect, I do realise that you can want someone or something to happen so much that you feel like your heart is going to leap out of your chest and you have to remind yourself to breathe, but it still won't necessarily be so.
That you can't make things happen just by wanting them to.

Maybe being single just takes practice?
I dont know.
I've tried being jaded about it, and it just didn't work for me.
I like my childlike optimism and I like being hopeful, even if it does get hard to keep it up sometimes.
Maybe this is part of that path to being strong and independent that I continually try to push myself down.
Maybe it's just a lesson that I need to learn.
But for just now, I still think that, maybe just a little bit, it sucks.

(Sorry to bombard you with my rambling!)
xxoo

Comments

[Lexie]

I do read your posts suck at leaving comments though.....I think you are a beautiful generous loving person.....sometimes life just sucks and we have to work through it and hope we come out the other side stronger
Keep smiling wonderful things will happen for you...oxo

[lizzyc]

Hi skye. i read your blog when it comes up on FB.. you write so well, it is like you are actually talking to me.. and i believe i am a good listener.. life is crazy at times, happy at times, confusing at times, and heartbreaking at times.. and we grow through all these times.. i do wish you every happiness in your life, and for this season of singleness i trust you can find a peace and contentment and time to just enjoy all your friends and perhaps one day your prince will ride past and cast a glance your way and a new chapter will begin.. (yes i love fairy tales, princes and magic endings too..)xx lizzy

[ali]

hey hun, thinking of u and love u very much! you are a wonderful woman and you are independent and special... I'm here if u need to talk! xoxo

[Malinda]

mmmm i like the way you think! and I applaud you for being honest about what you feel!

I know it may sound frivolous coming from me in my married relationship but I agree with what you are saying! I didn't like being single either and looked everywhere for something and someone to fill the void.

You are a fantastic person, and whilst it will sound cliched I know you will find love again! sorry I know it sounds bad....

[Lisa Kamphuis]

Good things happen to good people....and you are one of the best....Love will come and when it happens it will be awesome.
I am also no good alone - HATE it!
Ill give you a big hug in a month!

[Crystal Bowman]

*Hugs* Skye. I (like you) have spent most of my adult life in a relationship so I have no clue what it would be like, but I can imagine it really must be sucky. I hope you find whatever you are looking for soon enough....

[Giovanna]

You're like me Skye. I used to hate being single and felt like just loving "me" wasn't enough. You will find your Prince (as I did), you just might need to have your heart broken a few more times (as I did) and kiss way more frogs (like I did) before "it" happens.....and it might just surprise you.
Hugs baby. Love you xx