Exit Wounds

So I've been thinking a lot this past few days (look out!).
As most of you know, I became single last year and have since entered the scary world of dating.
Scary because, well, have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally?
Remember this scene...?
 
If you haven't or you dont remember, allow me (I watch it at least once a month!).
Directly after hanging up those phones, Marie says to Jess:
"Tell me I'll never have to be out there again!"

Preach it sister.

So, that's where I was at, and I was happy with that.
'Out there', for someone who has been blissfully inside a bubble for many years is a whole new world (And not the good, Alladin song kind).
We all just want someone who likes us for us, and having to go out and find that again is daunting.
What if that person doesn't exist in any other form besides the one you've just left behind?
What if no one truly 'gets' you and you actually are the batshit crazy lunatic you've always suspected you were?
These are the questions that keep you awake at night in the big wide world of 'out there'.

And so I started dating again.
I met some boys, and they were nice.
And I kissed some boys, and that was nice.
All in all, my self esteem has gotten better.
But here's the thing , the meeting and the kissing, while they are lovely, don't quite fill all of the voids.
Eventually, it was inevitable for me that I would want to be in a relationship; a good, strong, stable one.
Problem is, I don't ever seem to choose the 'relationship' guys.
The guys I choose, as I once told a friend (from inside the comfort of my aforementioned relationship bubble), are ALWAYS the wounded men.
It wasn't until I was 'out there' that I realised how true this was.
Even the guys who seem normal, end up being wounded.
Deceitful, normal looking tricksters!

A bullet wound to the chest from a girlfriend who they never thought was going to leave them, scars all up their arms from carrying pressures of an unloving parent, low self esteem, faux self esteem, fear of rejection, fear of self, emotionally attached, emotionally detatched - I've seen it all.
And the fact is that, as nice as some of these wounded boys can be, and as pretty as some of these wounded boys can be (and some of them are very pretty), it can only get them so far before you realise how fucking hard it can be dealing with someone elses wounds, and they start to become your own.

Several weeks ago I was in a semi-something-like-a-relationship, and I broke things off with that boy.
I had been seeing him for about 6 months and I had figured out that I just couldn't deal with his wounds (or his shitty music taste, but that's a whole other blog post!).
I deemed them to be holding us back from becoming something more and I decided that they were starting to make me doubt myself.

And after all was said and done, I went about my life 'out there' quite happily.
It was just a few days ago that I had a bit of a moment where I stopped, and though I didnt doubt then (nor do I now) that I had done the right thing in that particular relationship, I wondered who I am to decide who's particular wounds too gruesome?
It's entirely possible that the reason I seem to only be attracted to wounded men is because they're ALL wounded.
And so are us women.
Christ knows I certainly am.

I have 1001 marks covering my soul, and they are so deep that I could probably still give you the exact time, date and location that they were inflicted.
Some of them, to be honest, are probably even self harm. 
And the majority of them are just entry wounds, the bullet is still firmly lodged, no exit to match.
They've all come together to form a wholly wounded, but stronger person, and the idea that my past hurts and the way that I deal with them might be a deal breaker for someone else is entirely frightening.

I think next time, instead of bailing on a guy at the first sight of burden, I might try the Nightingale approach and try to nurse a few of these wounds back to health.

We all just want someone who likes us for us.
Wounds and all.